menandrew.com » FWD: Funnies

FUKITOL is Here

Drew — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 19:11:20 +0000

Remember to take it just once a day

Finally… a powerful all-purpose lifestyle pharmaceutical (an amazing 1000mg) that will easily cure all your life’s problems. No prescription needed but ask your doctor if this pill is right for you! Remember, just one tablet and you can FUKITOL.

How To Ask For A Raise

Drew — Tue, 08 Nov 2005 22:11:00 +0000

Feel like you need a salary increase because you’ve worked extremely hard for the company? Below is a helpful approach on how to literally catch your boss’s attention regarding a raise.

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary:

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Age of Technology

Drew — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 20:10:11 +0000

Here’s an updated version of the birds and the bees for the modern generation.

A Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You’ve Got Male!"

How Good Are You?

Drew — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:09:55 +0000

Tish sent me this to my inbox. It’s a survey that determines your level of purity and innocence.

My score: 30% innocent

Warning! This survey is a bit unfair. Just because I tried it once doesn’t mean I’m bad. I’m an angel. Honest

Directions
You start with 100% and for everything that you have done on the list, even if you tried it just once. Subtract 5% and repost this so that your friends can take the test .

smoking

drinking

drugs

gottin fingered or fingering someone

gottin a hand job or given a hand job

french kissing

been felt up

given a blow job or gotten a blowjob

been licked out or licked out someonelse

had sex

had a threesome

given or takin it in the ass

made a sex tape

done any sexual act on school campus

done anything in class or work

gotten drunk and don’t remember who you had sex with

pissed on someones lawn while drunk

had sex in your room while your parents are home

gotten caught havin a party

had sex in a public place

Slick Personal Ad

Drew — Tue, 13 Sep 2005 19:09:58 +0000

Please read between the lines

My boy John from the Air Force sent me this funny ad from the classifieds. Very clever huh? I don’t know where he get’s this but keep it coming bro.

Outsmart Your Right Foot

Drew — Fri, 09 Sep 2005 16:09:14 +0000

Read and follow the simple instructions below, and I bet you’ll be amazed. Especially if you try several times and failed miserably, like I did. I must have psychosomatic issues cuz my body is always discombobulated when it comes to basic body tricks. Thanks to Princess who posted this in the Friendster Bulletin Board.

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can’t!

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction!

I told you so… And there is nothing you can do about it.

Make sure you pass this on to your friends. They won’t be able to believe it either!

Butt Measurment

Drew — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 03:07:00 +0000

Here’s a funny lesson for the fellas out there who should keep their mouth to themselves… especially if their woman didn’t ask for their opinion.

ï¿½ anonymous

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!” The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Employee Training Memo

Drew — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 20:07:47 +0000

Did you receive enough training in your job? If you think you didn’t and are interested, read the following memo for more information.

ï¿½ anonymousÂ

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

Thank you,

Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

Hate Your Job

Drew — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 17:02:35 +0000

Ahhh, Melissa just made my day. I guess she’s tired of hearin’ my complaints during class about how I’m sick and tired of working @ my job. So she sent me this funny-ass yet inspiring email. This is worth reading for people, like me, who truly hate their job. Read on…

I hate my job!

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this. On your way home from work,
stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and Purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this
brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable Clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open
the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins – Take out The literature and
read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement,

“Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested”.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not
work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.

“HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS WORSE THAN YOURS.”